Confessions

**Please know that today I am actually in a good mood, this post is just a reflection of my thoughts last night and I am not sitting here sad**

Something about me, generally I'm a bubbly person.  I strive to make those in my life feel special, happy, and keep them smiling.  As a friend I'm loyal, sometimes more than people deserve, I'm supportive, and I'm the person who would drive hours in the middle of the night if you needed me.  My sister calls me a Care Bear b/c I care about people, again, sometimes too much.  While I'm a good friend, I've also been blessed with great friends (whom I've discussed in a previous post) who I know have my back and love me unconditionally.

My stress level has been pretty maxed out these days and I often find myself literally getting lost in my own thoughts trying to organize everything in my mind so I can start the next day with a clean slate so to speak.   I'm not even sure if I can call it stress but I figure anything that disrupts my sleep must be stress :) I've thought about how I wish Doc Brown would lend me his DeLorean so I can go back in time and talk to 18 year old Sarah and tell her exactly what to do, avoid certain mistakes, etc etc.  And then I realize, there would be so many people that I would never know if I did that.  Three of my cherished best friends in my life right now, would not be there. I'm not willing to trade that. 

Last night a friend was talking to me about something and at the end of the conversation she said "I just want you to be happy."  Of course this touched me greatly because when anyone in your life tells you they want you to be happy, and they truly mean it, how can you NOT feel special and loved?!  Her simple words last night opened something up and I found myself bombarded with so many thoughts but one common denominator.

Confession, my name is Sarah and happiness terrifies me.  I can't say I'm unhappy with life b/c while there are things I'd like to be different, I have a great life.  However, last night it just came rushing onto to me like a tsunami, I'm terrified of happiness.  Of course being the Care Bear I am, this put me in tears b/c I was finally able to confess to myself, "you're your own worst enemy."   How can anyone fear happiness??? While I've had and have a great life, I've also had people who have tried to take me down.  People who have taken my good nature and big heart for granted and attempted to manipulate that to their advantage.  I carry scars from my younger years even though all of that has been forgiven.  Someone told me years ago that I was afraid to be happy b/c I've been "unhappy" for so long (again I'm not unhappy but hopefully you know what I mean). 

This journey to a healthier me that I'm on, or trying to be on is the perfect example of this fear.  I hold ALL of the power, all of the control and yet what is holding me back? Fear of the unknown, fear of being happy. I"m terrified that I will reach this goal and still be "ugly", I'm terrified that something will happen and I will fail, I'm terrified that I'll be resentful and question people's motives in befriending/dating me.  I'm scared of letting my friends and family down. Every now and again I've briefly thought about this fear but I'd discuss briefly and then change topic and for some reason last night, it flooded me, it became a very real and vibrant realization.  I hold myself back from being happy; I've become so used to NOT liking myself that I stop myself from reaching a point where I'd actually like myself. That's a mighty big and tough pill to swallow to truly realize that it's been you all along. 

In every major emotional event of my life I always found that one song that was therapy for me.  I LOVE music for this very reason, how it can get you through life's ups and downs.  But how do you find a song about a person holding themselves back that TRULY depicts how you feel?  Somehow I managed to do that and I kid you not, I listened to this song on repeat until I fell asleep last night.  This song really depicts the emotions I felt last night.  I used to interpret it as something else but right now, it just......says it all.  Right now when I hear the lyrics I picture the Sarah who wants happiness talking to the Sarah who holds her back. 

So now, admittance has been completed, now I need to figure out the next step and find the kryptonite that I can use on the part of me that holds myself back.  Kind of exciting don't ya think? I'd be lying if I said I wasn't still scared, fear is a very powerful thing.

I'll Stand By You

A quick glimpse into my childhood, I'm a former Air Force brat.  My life consisted of moving every 2 years, which to those who have never experienced this sound scary but this is the only life I know.  I've always adapted very quickly and well to new environments and I've always made friends easily.

Now, I'm 36, Air Force days behind me and I have to say that through the years of all of my moves, I've managed to be blessed in gaining a group of women who have impacted my life in some way and have been a support system every woman should have in their life. 

Today I woke up thinking about my friends and just how lucky I am to have such an amazing support system.  What I love most about my friendships with these ladies is that no matter how much time passes between conversations, we ALWAYS pick up right where we left off as though no time has gone by.  I also know that if I ever needed any of them, without question or hesitation they would be there for me and vice versa.    While I have a number of friends, these ladies I happily categorize as my very best friends.  If any of you should ever read this, I love you all mucho!!! XXOO!

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(In alphabetical order b/c I have no favorites)

Amy - former boss/coworker

I met Amy at work and instantly we became great friends. One night Amy had an allergic reaction to brand of beer and she literally died in the passenger seat as I was rushing her to the hospital.  She stopped breathing and when they pulled her out of the car she was purple and I have never been so terrified in my life.  The doctor said if I would've hit just one red light, she may not have made it.  Since that night, we've been closer than ever.  It's not until a moment like that when you realize how important people are in your life. She doesn't give herself enough credit but she's one of the strongest people I know. 

Amy hates having her picture taken so this is the best I can do :)

Chrissy - my cousin
As kids, I would spend time with Chrissy when we would visit Wisconsin for the holidays, which wasn't often.  As adults, I've developed a relationship with her that wouldn't trade for anything.  Now that we're older and wiser (for the most part), she's become someone I can turn to when I'm having a bad day or just need a good pep talk.  I'm so thankful we've rekindled the childhood friendship we had and she's just an amazing human being!


Chrissy and I as kids, sadly we don't have any current pics of us together




My beautiful cousin today



Debbie - coworker
I don't even know where to start when it comes to Debbie :)  This woman is truly one of the most amazing people I have ever met!  I've witnessed her go through gut wrenching pain and watched her rise from the ashes beyond victorious.  She inspires me in so many ways that as I sit here trying to type my thoughts out, I'm at a loss for words.
 

When my family moved to the DC area, I had the choice to follow or stay in California.  I stayed and Debbie invited me to live with her.  For over a year we lived in a one bedroom apartment which couldn't been much more than 600 square feet.  Our beds were side by side separated by a nightstand, we were literally Janet and Chrissy from Three's Company.  Living in such close quarters can wear on people and there was a time where we both thought our friendship wouldn't survive it.  We moved into a new 980 sq. ft. apartment, had our own rooms, it was a great day!!! 

Once again, living AND working with someone can take a toll and again we questioned if our friendship would survive.  Over 12 years later, we're still the best of friends and we love how we managed to overcome so much and still have our friendship in tact. 

To live through what we lived through and hold onto a friendship is very rare and I'm blessed to know that no matter what I can call Debbie anytime and she'll be there.

Debbie is also a huge inspiration when it comes to my physical journey.  When we met she was a size 26, I'm not sure of weight but she says it was "A LOT!"  Today Debbie is a size 6 or 8 and just looks amazing.  Knowing that she knows first hand how hard it can be really inspires me.



Gorgeous Girl



 Jessie - coworker

When I met this lady it was an instant connection.  Jessie is the friend whom I can be super SUPER silly with and call crying my eyes out if some evil male hurt me.  We can both laugh for hours for the craziest things and we both provide each other with the emotional support that sometimes a girl needs. 

Jessie has given me so many pep talks when I doubt myself and has always been that one person I know could make me laugh when I have a bad day.  I love how when we spend time together we're a couple of kids and I can be my goofy self around her.  Not that I can't with other friends but she doesn't look at me like I'm crazy when I act goofy b/c she's right there with me :D 



My beautiful Jessie :)



Jessie is my daily reminder that life is too short to be upset or mad or sad, instead we should break out into song or dance randomly and laugh at the silly stuff often.  I cannot imagine my life without this girl for she has been my saving grace more than I can remember.

Liz - my baby sister

Oh sweet Lizzie, what can I say about this girl :)  I've known her since the day she was born and cannot imagine life without her. 



Me feeding Liz, yeah my parents picked those glasses out



My sister and I are two very different people but we have a very strong tight bond.  She's a very smart and witty woman and I'm just so proud to be her sister!  Her laugh is infectious and her loyalty to those she loves is out of this world.  I know a lot of people say their sibling is their best friend, but my sister truly is one of my very best friends.  I don't think there's a day that goes by when I don't hear her say "I love my sissy!" and how can that not melt your heart :) 

We are often mistaken for twins when out in public but we just do not see it.  In fact, besides similar noses we don't see the strong resemblance everyone else sees. She's also 5'9" and I'm 5'6" :)
This lady has such a huge heart for people and does what she can to help anyone who needs it.  She has helped me get through some hard times.  As sisters of course we occasionally bicker and disagree, but at the end of the day we'd take a bullet for each other. 

My beautiful baby sister

Sarah - aka my ninja

It's ironic that alphabetically Sarah would come last because I know she would say it's because they save the best for last :) 



I actually was friends with Sarah's mom (at work) before I met Sarah.  I remember her mom telling me how I'd get along with her daughter, little did I know the friendship that would blossom from that.

I hold a special place in my heart for this lady because I have watched her grow and change in so many ways that I feel like she's my little sister.  From the beginning we clicked and have shared some great laughs and good times.  We have been each other's therapist during the tough times in life and have watched each other journey from one life adventure to the next.  I know that I will always be able to count on her to give me that kick in the butt when I need it, that smack across the face when I'm acting crazy, and that encouragement when I feel I've failed.  She is my non-sugar coater and someone I can always rely on to tell me like it is, but in a supportive way :)    

Clubbing with my favorite couple

This fall I will get to see her marry her best friend and Prince Charming and I know I will be a crying fool on that day!

She's an amazing person, funny, smart, driven, and just an all around cool chick!   I'm very thankful that I have her in my corner and I'm so proud of the woman she has become over the years.

My gorgeous Ninja  

 

First Blog, here we go!!!

One of my very best friends said that perhaps I should start a blog as means of keeping me motivated and getting thoughts out so they don't overwhelm me, so here I sit, writing my very first post.  FEEL THE EXCITEMENT!
I don't forsee anyone but those closest to me reading this, which I'm ok with as a girl just needs to get her mind clear sometimes and with the journey that I'm on right now, I'm sure there will be A LOT of clearing to do in the future.


The primary "topics" of this will be my journey of self discovery I guess you'd call it.  I should have discovered myself by now at the age of 36 but believe it or not I'm still learning about who Sarah is.  I've spent a good chunk of my life focused on others versus thinking about myself that now I'm FINALLY doing what's best for ME.  I think the most amazing thing that has come from this so far is seeing who my real friends are.  I like knowing the people in my life that are my TRUE friends and love me 110% versus those who only had me as a friend to fit THEIR needs.  Those days are over!


Weight loss, the two most dreaded words in the english language.  Yes, I am on that journey as well.  In a nutshell (and pictures will be provided in the near future), the best way to describe my body is simple.  Picture a nice round orange, now place two toothpicks on the bottom of said orange and VOILA there is Sarah!   Oh you can also add two toothpicks for arms too for the FULL effect.  Also place long black hair and glasses and then you have the real me.  That is my body, I have nice legs, not too shabby arms (can use toning and fat melting), but the middle is where I get super messy! Or as my sister calls if, chubbly wubbly.  So I'll be documenting the journey from being pretty but fluffy to down right sexy. And of course I'm sure I'll end up talking about other things as well, but de-chubbling will be the number one.  I must maintain focus, I'm going to be a bridesmaid in less than 4 months, no more excuses!!


Pictures will come soon!
Cheers!
Sarah