Wednesday, August 29, 2012


**Please know that today I am actually in a good mood, this post is just a reflection of my thoughts last night and I am not sitting here sad**

Something about me, generally I'm a bubbly person.  I strive to make those in my life feel special, happy, and keep them smiling.  As a friend I'm loyal, sometimes more than people deserve, I'm supportive, and I'm the person who would drive hours in the middle of the night if you needed me.  My sister calls me a Care Bear b/c I care about people, again, sometimes too much.  While I'm a good friend, I've also been blessed with great friends (whom I've discussed in a previous post) who I know have my back and love me unconditionally.

My stress level has been pretty maxed out these days and I often find myself literally getting lost in my own thoughts trying to organize everything in my mind so I can start the next day with a clean slate so to speak.   I'm not even sure if I can call it stress but I figure anything that disrupts my sleep must be stress :) I've thought about how I wish Doc Brown would lend me his DeLorean so I can go back in time and talk to 18 year old Sarah and tell her exactly what to do, avoid certain mistakes, etc etc.  And then I realize, there would be so many people that I would never know if I did that.  Three of my cherished best friends in my life right now, would not be there. I'm not willing to trade that. 

Last night a friend was talking to me about something and at the end of the conversation she said "I just want you to be happy."  Of course this touched me greatly because when anyone in your life tells you they want you to be happy, and they truly mean it, how can you NOT feel special and loved?!  Her simple words last night opened something up and I found myself bombarded with so many thoughts but one common denominator.

Confession, my name is Sarah and happiness terrifies me.  I can't say I'm unhappy with life b/c while there are things I'd like to be different, I have a great life.  However, last night it just came rushing onto to me like a tsunami, I'm terrified of happiness.  Of course being the Care Bear I am, this put me in tears b/c I was finally able to confess to myself, "you're your own worst enemy."   How can anyone fear happiness??? While I've had and have a great life, I've also had people who have tried to take me down.  People who have taken my good nature and big heart for granted and attempted to manipulate that to their advantage.  I carry scars from my younger years even though all of that has been forgiven.  Someone told me years ago that I was afraid to be happy b/c I've been "unhappy" for so long (again I'm not unhappy but hopefully you know what I mean). 

This journey to a healthier me that I'm on, or trying to be on is the perfect example of this fear.  I hold ALL of the power, all of the control and yet what is holding me back? Fear of the unknown, fear of being happy. I"m terrified that I will reach this goal and still be "ugly", I'm terrified that something will happen and I will fail, I'm terrified that I'll be resentful and question people's motives in befriending/dating me.  I'm scared of letting my friends and family down. Every now and again I've briefly thought about this fear but I'd discuss briefly and then change topic and for some reason last night, it flooded me, it became a very real and vibrant realization.  I hold myself back from being happy; I've become so used to NOT liking myself that I stop myself from reaching a point where I'd actually like myself. That's a mighty big and tough pill to swallow to truly realize that it's been you all along. 

In every major emotional event of my life I always found that one song that was therapy for me.  I LOVE music for this very reason, how it can get you through life's ups and downs.  But how do you find a song about a person holding themselves back that TRULY depicts how you feel?  Somehow I managed to do that and I kid you not, I listened to this song on repeat until I fell asleep last night.  This song really depicts the emotions I felt last night.  I used to interpret it as something else but right now, it just......says it all.  Right now when I hear the lyrics I picture the Sarah who wants happiness talking to the Sarah who holds her back. 

So now, admittance has been completed, now I need to figure out the next step and find the kryptonite that I can use on the part of me that holds myself back.  Kind of exciting don't ya think? I'd be lying if I said I wasn't still scared, fear is a very powerful thing.

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